Isaiah 41:13 (ESV)
For I, the Lord
your God,
hold your right
hand;
it is I who say to you, “Fear not,
I am the one
who helps you.”
In December, 1965, Susan had just had her second baby,
another daughter, Balinda. Her two-year-old, Annette, became the baby's
"second mother," always checking to make sure the baby was warm and
dry. Susan and her husband were delighted with their daughters and the life
they were making for their family. During that time, "We were in the
process of moving from Moweaqua, a little town in Illinois, to Crown Point,
Indiana," Susan says, "and one day I left the baby with my
mother-in-law while I moved the last load from our old home." Susan's
sister-in-law, little Annette and Susan dropped off the final load in Crown
Pointe. On their way back to Moweaqua, Susan was involved in a car accident.
Annette was killed instantly.
There is no way to describe the trauma of losing a child,
of whatever age. But Susan did the best she could to go on with her life.
Months passed, and in June, she discovered she was expecting again. For the
first time since Annette's death, Susan felt happy. "The new baby would
give Balinda someone to grow up with," she says, "and perhaps it
would even help to fill the terrible void Annette had left." No one could
take her daughter's place, but perhaps things wouldn't seem so empty now.
However, it was not to be. Just a few months later, Susan
was rushed to the hospital. The baby, another daughter, was stillborn. Worse,
doctors told Susan that she would never be able to have any more children.
It was another terrible blow. Susan looked in the mirror
"and saw a person that God must not like very much. If he loved me, why
did so many bad things happen to me?" She wondered. "I must be a
terrible person." Shortly after Balinda's first birthday, the sorrow
completely overwhelmed her. "After my husband left for work one morning, I
took Balinda to my mother's house and asked her to babysit for me," Susan
recalls. "Had my mother known what I had planned, she would never have
left me walk out the door."
Susan went home, locked the door, closed all the curtains
and sat down at her table with a large glass of water and a pile of pills. She
wrote letters to her parents, her sisters, and her husband, telling them how
sorry she was to be killing herself, but explaining that she was no good, and
surely not the mother she should be. Why else would God have taken two of her
babies?
Then, reluctantly, she began her letter to Balinda. How
would she tell her baby daughter how much she loved her? "I want you to
have a good life," she began, "You'll be a lot better off without
me."
Suddenly, the front door opened!
Susan almost screamed. She had definitely locked the
front door, and her husband had the only other key. But there stood her
husband. "What are you doing home?" Susan asked him.
Her husband's eyes traveled to the water and the pills in
front of her. Immediately he realized what Susan was attempting to do, and he
rushed to the table, grabbed the pills and threw them all into the toilet.
"Susan, you can't do this!" He protested. "We all need
you!" Susan burst into tears.
The machine Susan's husband had been working on that day
had broken down, and no one could find a replacement part. So her husband had
been sent home early, the first time such a thing had ever happened to him.
(Even more unusual, the replacement part was located just moments after he left
the building.) "I think the angels were all over that one!" Susan
says.
Most likely Susan was suffering from postpartum
depression, but in 1965, not much was known about this difficult situation.
Coupled with the grief over the loss of Annette, it had all become too much for
her. But now that people knew, Susan was surrounded with help and care, and
gradually she came to see that this desperate act was not the answer. In fact,
God had planned a wonderful life for her, including a baby boy, born five years
later despite the doctors' predictions.
"When I look back, I thank God for each and every
experience," Susan says. "Had I succeeded that day, I would have
missed out on so many blessings-my son and daughter's beautiful children, my
family and friends. I am so thankful that His angels watched over me, and I
know He walks with me moment by moment."
Susan hopes that anyone who is contemplating suicide or
has lost a child may read this and understand that it is okay to go on.
"You cannot curl up and die," she says. "Life goes on, and it
can be a most beautiful and blessed life too." Just hold on, and trust.
Hold on to God today no matter the circumstance.
Dear Lord, we pray for strength when the circumstances
around us are more then we can handle. Help us lean completely upon You. In Jesus’
Name, Amen.